Blogging

Wow, it's not that easy to blog everyday. Oh wait, I'm the problem here. I don't make time to blog because:

• I already have to write a lot on D2L for school
• My hands can't keep up with what I have to say.
• I expect to write everyday, maybe that's what I need to change first.

First, I will make it a goal of mine to write once a month. That is such a low goal, but it's realistic and I know I can reach it, and if I write more, kudos to me! I came across a few blogs by Hmong writers and that inspired me to check my own blog again. I asked myself what I should focus on. The answer is my daily life, college, plans (too many sometimes), work, some vent, and life goals.

It has been a month since I started my position as the ELL Assistant at DCESH. I love what I do, but I want to do more; I'm craay craay like that. My job is so perfect for me at the moment that it would take a lot for me to leave. Sometimes I feel like I don't do much, but I guess writing it will help me realize how much I am really doing and my contribution. First, I work very closely with one unique student. I hate DSM, but I believe he is bipolar. When he has a bad morning, he refuse to do any work. So my job is to help get rid of that attitude and get him working. It's the hardest when he refuse to communicate. What I picked up on to snap him out of that is to talk to him about non-school stuff. He can go on all day about everything but school.

OMG, EPIPHANY moment. I am going to rename this blog to 17Again, because I love Zac Efron and I feel like I'm getting a second chance at high school. OMG, working here has made me reflect on my attitude when I was a student. I always did my work, but they weren't always on time...because I didn't know how to do those. That lesson has taught me to ask questions in college to understand the work, so I would turn them on time. What I also noticed was the the amount of trips exactly 3 students make everyday to their locker, drink of water, and hallway trips. Like seriously? If I ever become a teacher, class time is my time, and kids can use the bathroom at another teacher's time.

Ok, I'm going to end this note with good news. I got an email for a part time position for a job that fits perfectly after school from 4-7. Yay, I get to be a workaholic again, so I basically work 7am-7pm. With the work I do, it will not be that hard. This second job is for extra income and experience for my ultimate career to make even more money. I've got the best of both worlds: education and finance. Alrighty, have a nice day!

-C

never enough

I did everything right. I went to school. I didn't and don't smoke. I always worked. Paid my bills. Paid my share. Carried my weight. Where's my reward? Where's the encouragement to keep it up? Is it wrong to do good? Do only the bad get rewarded?

Am I that bad? Other than everything being intentional now

I'm the good girlfriend. I don't go out. I don't need to cheat.

I do all this, but I'm still seen as evil, greedy, selfish. Am I not good enough? I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep up this good attitude. You're only worth your money now. Not everyone needs your opinion, keep it to yourself.

One day at a time. One problem at a time. No one cares, so join the crowd. It's every man for himself now.

Gosh. Everything is just such a repeat. I hate everybody.

It's not that I don't know what to do. I just don't want to do the right thing. Because the right thing doesn't benefit me. Is that wrong? Why can't I get any benefits out of this? Why can't someone do the right thing toward me?

Day 2

OMG. I'm totally loving my new position. It's actually my dream...what dream though? I've been really stressed and irritated lately, it's blurring my vision. :( not surrounded by positive and responsible energy. But here's what's been on my mind:

• father & brothers: why are you guys so irresponsible? I don't need to keep up my role if you aren't keeping yours
• student loans, especially unsubsidized! do I pay now? Or just let the interest build up and trust that I'll work for the public in 10 years and it'll be forgiven?
• finding another job. I don't need it, but I'm stressing about it. lol
• cars cars cars. why do I have the default of walking to work and my sisters get the car for the same distance. why can't they walk?
• picking up phone calls not for me. THAT'S WHY I HAVE A CELLPHONE for a reason, so I'll be picking up calls that's actually for me!
• opening doors for people not visiting me. THEY'RE NOT MY FRIENDS FOR A REASON! AND I DIDN'T CALL THEM FOR A REASON!
• Lawton grant: omg, paperwork has been in for 2 weeks now. patience, CK
• Grad school: I need to decide on something at the end of this semester
• Last semester course work is actually a lot. But it must be done

I just feel like I've been in the middle of so many stupid moments. I'm the bad guy if I don't want to be the messenger, but I'm not. Why do I need to be the messenger? Especially when you don't want to do your half!

If this is the way things are, I don't wanna have kids. Not because I don't want them, but they don't deserve this kind of life. I don't know. I'll just bare it all.

...I just want too much. It's not even much. I really just want standard things. Like a dad who tidy or mow the lawn. A brother who takes out the garbage or shovel in the winter. A mother who cooks and cleans. And my job is to cook and clean too. Or just make lots of money to buy their labor :P. 

1 week notice

5 more minutes until this weekend shift is over!

I'm happy to announce that I got an offer for a bilangual assistant aide that'll pay me more. But that wasn't the most obvious factor. Working for the public means I can qualify for the the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program.

http://studentaid.ed.gov/repay-loans/forgiveness-cancellation/charts/public-service

That means I can be worry-free! No money or wage can buy that.

\:(

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BJzzNMv9Oo

I just want everything :( I don't want to do this again

Student Loans

Alright, 45 minutes before I sleep at 11pm to wake up at 7am for work.

I just calculated my estimated student loan. It came to $24,902 for 5 years of school, and that's without interest. I regret and I don't at the same time. That paid for my expenses over the years without a job. Again, I would redo this by staying in town with a job and end up with no loans. Nonetheless, the money went to good use. This paid for 2 international travel study that I would've never done if I had not gone to college, rent for 1 year, food for 5 years, sometimes it even lasted me til the summer and winter breaks, and at the end of this whole thing, a BACHELOR OF ARTS in Sociology degree. Yay.

I'm questioning if I want all those future breaks. I can work everyday. But again, I wanna get pay more, work closer, experiences toward my degree, what i'm good at, and a title.